I received a call at work from Eleanor's mother, my aunt Marsha stating that the former's estranged husband had been eaten by a crocodile whilst visiting a wealthy client's house over the bank holiday. The story is thus:
Roger Cuffley, in his official capacity as an Independent Financial Advisor often has to visit clients at their homes and the customer in question was Sir Reginald Donaldson, an eccentric millionaire with a huge house in Dorset who has his own private zoo consisting of big cats, crocodiles and ring tailed lemurs. Anyway, Sir Reginald invited Roger and his current girlfriend, lap dancer Sandii-Mae to stay with them over the bank holiday so that they could discuss ISAs, unit trusts, hedge funds and burlesque in the comfort of his country retreat.
All was well until after a boozy lunch Roger and Sandii decided to take a romantic row across the lake when they encountered a lump under the oar. Unfortunately this turned out to be Sir Reginald's prize crocodile, Andrew Aguecheek and he wasn't best pleased at being awoken from his slumbers and proceeded to consume the boat. Sadly hitting the beast with an oar and swearing it wasn't enough to save Roger and his beau and they were both consumed by the powerful creature. Apparently Roger was eaten first as Sir Andrew found Sandii's fake tan to be a little off putting.
Despite the screaming Sir Reginald didn't stir from his study as he was listening to a Richard Clayderman LP at full blast; the butler was too busy finishing the vintage port in the cellar and heard nothing either until too late. When Roger and Sandii didn't respond to the dinner gong a search party was sent out for them which discovered their horrible fate. The perpetrator, Andrew Aguecheek was lying dead near the lake with a strange expression on his reptilian flat face. The Police were called in, as were the RSPCA, the deaths of Roger and Sandii were confirmed as multiple injuries consistent with being eaten by a huge lizard and Andrew Aguecheek was poisoned by the silicone implants Sandii had inserted back in 2002 to boost her assets from a B to an E cup.
I will keep readers informed of any further developments regarding this terrible occurrence.
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