Planning For A Fortnight's Leave

I am currently undertaking the above and it's a veritable nightmare, let me tell you.  The truth is that I have too much annual leave and need to take it before I lose it, so I'll have to spend it in and around London and this suburb because I've got very little money at the moment.  Why don't you venture abroad you might say?  Well readers, the truth of the matter is that my passport expired in 2006 and I've never got around to renewing it.  Yes, I'm boring, but I really cannot help it, it's inherent within me.

OK, here's my plans so far, for the first week at least:

Saturday, 1st November - 10am - Jam Survey (shopping centre: £7); 16:30 - Emma's visit
Sunday, 2nd November - 11am - 'Stinky' Uncle Syd visits from his care home; *must defrost beef mince the previous day in the refrigerator*
Monday, 3rd November - 9am - walk to large Sainsbury's (1 hour journey) to purchase a new velour leisure suit
Tuesday, 4th November - 10am - take Mrs TiddyWinkles, my aged hamster for her MOT at the Vet's; 14:00 buy more ham for me and some alfalfa for Mrs TW (assuming she survives the journey)
Wednesday, 5th November - 9:31 train to London (to take advantage of the first off peak train service) museum, packed lunch, some light shopping then home
Thursday, 6th November - 10:32am - renew and refresh library book collection; peruse the council museum of asphalt, make a batch of scone; 17:02-19:05 watch film
Friday, 7th November - 9:34am - visit Mother armed with yesterday evening's batch of scones; 18:04 remove spider webs from my bathroom; put pedestal mat and bath rug in the wash.

The Chilled Cabinet, The Shop Assistant and Me

Returning from work early today enabled me to catch the train which departs London prior to the 15:59 off peak to peak Oyster Card cut off.  Call me sad if you will, but I personally believe that the £1.80 saving incurred will allow me to add extra spice to my 'pleasure budget'.  As normal on Tuesday evenings I stepped into the Co-op foodstore near the station to pick up some provisions for dinner.  I was perusing the chilled cabinet to determine whether I could haggle the price down on a Ginster's Steak Slice when a voice behind me enquired whether I had taken full advantage of the 'buy two sausage rolls and receive a pack of liver sausage for half-price offer' - I looked around and saw a gentleman of aged about forty-three wearing a Co-op uniform at least two sizes too small for him and trying to pull in his huge beer gut.  He did, though, have a very kind face and deep brown eyes and I found myself smiling back at him. 

He explained that his name was Barry and he'd been working for the Co-op ever since he'd left school at the age of sixteen after he'd set fire to the chemistry lab's fume cupboard and was downgraded from a B to a G grade in GCSE as a result.  He'd hankered after working his way up in retail, first of all, a move to Asda, then Sainsbury's and finally, M&S, but he'd been unlucky so far in every interview he'd attended - firstly a rampaging sheep had caused him to trip and break his ankle prior to his Asda interview and after that he'd tried several times more, all with little success. 

This little reverie was soon broken when Barry was told via the public address system (not a Tannoy: that's a brand name!) to go to the tills, but he did find the time to ask me whether I was planning to attend Saturday's Fundraising Funday - as I had nothing better to do other than remove dust from the rear of my bedside table, I agreed.  It should be fun. 

Electronic Epistles

My oh my, my email inbox has just gone crazy.  To provide a flavour of what's been happening, I've cut and paste some of them below.  I would like to say that I have received four separate penis pictures: one rather closely resembled Gonzo's nose - I kid you not?  I've deleted those replies straight away.  These were the best of the bunch, worst luck. 

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Hello darlin' - im free, im funky - come and get down with me at the library disco.  My number is 07xxx xxxxxxx.

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Dearest Margaret (may I be permitted to call you that?)  - you seem such a lively soul wrapped up in an acrylic world of fun, frolics and furballs - I just want to be you.  Please permit me to take you to dinner at Il Cantore, for apres dejeneur drinks and then propel you to the sanctity of my hotel room where I can offer you the contents of the mini bar, the sachets of UHT milk plus the use of a Corby Trouser Press.  If we indulge in full penetrative intercourse I'll remunerate you for any dry cleaning bills you incur during the process.  

Yours - DariusHoney

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'ello luv.  I'm a bloke, your a bird - do you want it?  I no that i do, big time babe.  Giz us a mail back eh?  Im a diamond geyser.  

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I have some unused vouchers for Pizza Hut: the Unlimited Ice Cream Factory Dessert's on me.  Go on - I'm a fun guy (and my underwear contains no fungi...)

Silent Saturdays (Are Us?) + Dating

Today has been a very quiet day mostly spent lying on the sofa watching TV and eating chocolate, occasionally checking my email via my new smartphone.  I have, being me, resisted owning such a thing for quite a while now, but I went out and purchased a Samsung Galaxy S4 a few weeks ago and I must admit that I'm hooked.  Embracing the 'new' technology has been beneficial in so many ways, but mostly I'm using it to look up odd facts on the internet and I'm slightly ashamed to say it, to look for suitable male company.  Yes, I admit it, since the demise of my relationship with Wilf and before him, Mr A my life has been rather bereft on that score.  Anyway, I've signed up (via an anonymous email address) to a site called IntelligentUKGentlemenAreWaitingForYourEpistle.co.uk - it costs £12.87 for ladies to join and gentlemen are charged the premium rate of £34.65 per month for unlimited use.  Anyway here's the rudiments of my profile:

Username: CafeMargaretCluedo
Location: Suburban London
Age Bracket: 45-54
Hobbies: Fashion, Parsimony, Cat Husbandry, Filing, Dusting, Shoe Leather
Looking For: LTR, Going Dutch on Dates, Travelling Around East Anglia via a VW Campervan
Please Reply Stating Your Favourite Variety of Biscuit.

I am constantly refreshing my inbox to determine whether I have received any replies.

Friday Fun

I no longer work on Fridays because it works out cheaper in the long run (Oyster cards, packed lunches, shoe leather etc, plus tax)  It also breaks up the week somewhat and I can do my shopping in relative peace.  Take today for example: I went to BHS to exchange Mother's size 12 trousers for a size 14 blue acrylic edge-to-edge cardigan and whilst standing in Customer Services, my eyes wandered over to the rack of underpants lining the nearside wall - all available in sizes XS to XXL.  I cannot imagine what it must be like to enter into a relationship with a gentleman who wears size XXL underpants: uncomfortable I'd expect.  The grocery bill would certainly soar.

I purchased three Comfort Bras from Poundworld (that's next to Poundland and therefore offers continents more choice).  Comfort Bras are perfect for wearing at night or with one's leisure clothes around the house, but don't provide enough lift, shape and separation to sit under regular garments.  I cannot say that I really relish the other customers in Poundworld - they are very pushy and many of them wear sportswear without actually raising their heart rates.  Yuck! 

I'm Back

Yes, it's over a year since I've written any entries to my blog - I can't really explain why, but I just didn't feel the need to put finger to keyboard as it were.  Well, it's that and the fact that I physically couldn't - I developed a severe reaction to the paper we were using for archive documents at work and as a result my hands swelled up to three times their normal size and I was unable to carry on with my daily life, let alone do anything else.  Wilf, initially was very helpful, but he's long gone now; he's now moved to the south coast and has found employment as a mobile clown, which is useful because his feet are naturally a size 13 and by purchasing his normal size for work, he's able to write them off against tax as 'an essential part of a funny man's apparel'.

Mother, having returned from abroad, suffered a stroke and now lives in a nursing home two bus rides away.  I can't say that I miss her much as her continual moaning used to get me down.  Father is still residing within the earthworm community - he wriggles around from place to place and I believe that he and his colleagues are propagating soil on the Leicestershire plains at the moment.  

I went to BHS today to buy Mother a new outfit - my word, it's depressing in there!  I managed to purchase a pair of navy blue tailored blue slacks with a half-elasticated waist, a cream top and a pink jumper.  She'll hate them of course, that's just her - ungrateful to the core.  I was amazed quite how many tank tops/sweater vests are sold in that shop and the sale rail contained a pair of 52inch waisted men's trousers - yum!  I wonder if I'll ever date a man quite that large?