Hemmed In

I hadn't realised quite how much I enjoyed my freedom until I moved back in with Father and Auntie Barb, I really hadn't.  Take for example, their respective Sunday morning routines:

Father:

6:50am - Wakes, descends the stairs; makes up of tea in the kitchen whilst singing the 1980 Split Enz hit I Got You.

7:30 - Bathes whilst listening to The Archers ominbus podcast amped up to sound level eleven.

8:30 - Empties a can of All Day Breakfast into a saucepan, heats, tips onto a plate - consumes.

9:13 - 12:00 - Peruses earthworm websites on his laptop in the comfort of his bedroom.

Barb:

7:45am - Wakes, rounds cats up - feeds them their respective stinky breakfasts.

8:05 - Fries kippers, toasts bread - macerates and swallows the lot in three minutes' flat.

8:08 - Licks plate clean.  Proffers any leftovers to cats.

9:34 - Hosts her legendary(?) Sunday Secular Spectacular in the sitting room.  Usual attendees are: Mr Beech from #23; Mrs Spendilove from #11 and Mrs Cathcart from #13.

11:30 - Runs her weekly bath; listens to podcast of You And Yours during her soak.

12:39 - Leaves the house for her Sunday constitutional.

Living Back At Home ...

... well, I say 'back at home', but as regular readers of my blog will undoubtedly recall, this is a replacement house built on the same site as the one which had to be demolished after Father's incessant human earthworm burrowing caused it to subside.  Semantics huh?

I am currently sitting in the smallest bedroom, which was previously the home of Auntie Barb's three cats.  They still try and butt their way in, but I'm not standing for it and may borrow a German Shepherd from that strange guy up the road to 'dissuade' their endeavours.  The house currently stinks of Super Noodles - Barb's chosen dehydrated instant noodle snack for a Saturday.  She loves convenience foods and has filled the kitchen cupboards with such tinned delicacies as Prince's Pies, curries, ratatouille, pears, prunes, stew and worst of all, cream.  Yes, tinned cream.  How representative of the 1970s is that?

Barb's a right lazy mare too - she doesn't do a stroke of housework and likes to adhere to the 'Quentin Crisp' school of house management.  Nice.  She's also getting her hair permed next week.

The Redundancy Fallout

PERSONAL - ADDRESSEE ONLY

22nd January 2016

Dear Miss Weaver

RE: Redundancies Update: Non-Selection For Games

I am writing to inform you that on reflection, the Redundancy Panel did not find your application nor your previous appraisals of a good enough standard to qualify for a place at the Departmental Redundancy Games. Therefore, the decision has already been made on your behalf and your last day of service will be Thursday, 31st March 2016.  We have decided on a figure of £XXXX amount as a suitable severance package for your many faithful years of service.  This is a very generous offer in the circumstances and could we remind you of the need to adhere to the Civil Service Code in regard to never specifying the exact amount to anyone?  Even members of your own family, your pet or indeed your parish priest?  

Please can you ensure that you arrange with your Line Manager to take the outstanding leave balance prior to departure.  Your laptop and drawer will also need to be cleared out by xxxxxxxxx.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all of your many years of service and trust that you use the money wisely.  I have attached a fact sheet (enc) including the telephone numbers of various charitable organisations to contact should you ever feel suicidal during the next few months.  There's also a social club for former public servants which meets on a the promenade at Hastings Beach on the second Thursday of every month at 12pm.  Bring your own booze in a paper bag.  

Good luck for the future (you'll need it to remain sober!)   As ever, your line manager is the first point of contact for any queries you may have in the meantime.  

Kind regards

Celia Broom
HR

The Aftermath Of The Move

I apologise for not writing before, but I've just moved back into Father and Auntie Barb's house after having to leave my flat above the cafe.  Everything's in complete disarray at the moment and I'm feeling somewhat discombobulated.  Normal service will return very soon!

The Redundancy Games

I received the following email from HR today:

PERSONAL - ADDRESSEE ONLY

7th January 2016

Dear Miss Weaver

RE: Redundancies Update: Let The Games Commence!

I trust that you had a good Christmas and New Year break and didn't spend too much of it worrying about the after effects of managing your life and finances during the months and years following redundancy?  I am writing to you to inform you of the dates of Departmental 'Redundancy Games', an idea which we've semi-stolen from the Sci-Fi film The Hunger Games, but don't worry, it's not half as violent and no-one's scheduled to die! Well, hopefully not anyway!

The games will take place at Lord's Cricket Ground, St John's Wood, London, NW8 (full map and details to follow) on Tuesday, 8th February (tertiary stage) through to Thursday, 10th February (final stage) - 10:00 to 17:00.  

There is a physical training planning session taking place on Wednesday, 13th January in your building.  I have already written to your line manager [insert name here] to provide you with a one-to-one briefing session beforehand.  We expect candidates to be physically as well as mentally fit, so are allowing selected staff to complete a training programme during working hours.  These sessions will be facilitated by fully qualified PT instructor and former Royal Marine, Derek Barnardino, whom I'm sure you'll recognise from the 2009 series of Celebrity Lard Land?

Developing your analytical, cognitive and communication skills is also essential to success in the new, leaner Civil Service, so to assist potential applicants with this, we're pulling out all of the stops and inviting the eminent Captain of Industry, Sir Percy Winkleton to lead two sessions on his patented technique 'Mind Cramming'.  I'm sure that you would have listened to Sir Percy's recent series on the very same subject which was broadcast on BBC Radio 4 at 3am throughout the middle of last April?  

Good luck!  As ever, your line manager is the first point of contact for any queries you may have.  

Kind regards

Celia Broom
HR