The Redundancy Games

I received the following email from HR today:

PERSONAL - ADDRESSEE ONLY

7th January 2016

Dear Miss Weaver

RE: Redundancies Update: Let The Games Commence!

I trust that you had a good Christmas and New Year break and didn't spend too much of it worrying about the after effects of managing your life and finances during the months and years following redundancy?  I am writing to you to inform you of the dates of Departmental 'Redundancy Games', an idea which we've semi-stolen from the Sci-Fi film The Hunger Games, but don't worry, it's not half as violent and no-one's scheduled to die! Well, hopefully not anyway!

The games will take place at Lord's Cricket Ground, St John's Wood, London, NW8 (full map and details to follow) on Tuesday, 8th February (tertiary stage) through to Thursday, 10th February (final stage) - 10:00 to 17:00.  

There is a physical training planning session taking place on Wednesday, 13th January in your building.  I have already written to your line manager [insert name here] to provide you with a one-to-one briefing session beforehand.  We expect candidates to be physically as well as mentally fit, so are allowing selected staff to complete a training programme during working hours.  These sessions will be facilitated by fully qualified PT instructor and former Royal Marine, Derek Barnardino, whom I'm sure you'll recognise from the 2009 series of Celebrity Lard Land?

Developing your analytical, cognitive and communication skills is also essential to success in the new, leaner Civil Service, so to assist potential applicants with this, we're pulling out all of the stops and inviting the eminent Captain of Industry, Sir Percy Winkleton to lead two sessions on his patented technique 'Mind Cramming'.  I'm sure that you would have listened to Sir Percy's recent series on the very same subject which was broadcast on BBC Radio 4 at 3am throughout the middle of last April?  

Good luck!  As ever, your line manager is the first point of contact for any queries you may have.  

Kind regards

Celia Broom
HR