What kind of woman would attend an Ann Summers Party? Well readers, I can confirm that, as of last night, I am indeed one of them. Cousin Eleanor hosted it in her now, slightly denuded house which is due to be refurbished and sold in the next few months if Mother's insider gossip is true. Eleanor herself was wearing a sleeveless, rather low cut top teamed with jeans one size too small, but heartbreak's clearly having a beneficial effect on her figure as her muffin top isn't quite as pronounced as it once was and her bingo wings now resemble discarded chamois leather - perhaps I should lend her my 'Pilates for Toning' DVD? Meow.
Jane Turner-Smith (JTS), Eleanor's neighbour co-hosted the event and brought along all of the saleable merchandise which consisted of a great deal of strange 'adult' toys of varying size and shapes plus some dress up outfits mostly constructed of polyester and nylon. JTS is a strange woman, half hard-nosed businesswoman and half cat-obsessed pervert, which I think you'll agree is a heady mix? After a few glasses of wine she confided to the group that her and her husband like to dress up as moggies in the evening to enable them to crawl around the floor whilst eating catnip and rubbing themselves against giant scratching poles. If that's not odd I don't know what is, but what could I say, my Father regularly dresses and takes on the characteristics of an earthworm? That would go down well in polite suburban circles and heaven knows, I'd never be able to look the Saturday boy in the Co-op in the eye again if that was ever revealed.
After a few glasses of wine (which were all poured by Eleanor by the way) I began to relax and enjoy myself. I purchased an 'Open All Hours' ("G-G-G-G Granville!") 'honeypot' for Wilf's use which I'll not describe in any detail, but rest assured if you're interested the Ann Summers website will provide a full and frank overview of the aforementioned product. I also purchased a neck massager, as suggested by Eleanor which will no doubt sooth my occasional sciatica. It's nice of her to point out that the company don't just sell 'adult products', they're there to improve the nation's physiological health, which is good to know.
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